Why I Stopped Writing (and other small revelations)

So, why did I stop writing?

I've been writing stories since eight-years-old ... been wanting to publish books since I was a little girl. I used to write almost nonstop. I always had an exciting tale in the works.

But as I got older, I think stress, anxiety, and even depression started to creep in and stifle my creative spirit. I overthink things like crazy, and I think I've been going through some kind of early-twenties crisis where I'm just trying to figure out life! And I'm really having a tough time of it!

Recently, when I had a full-time job at a daycare, I felt like I was losing myself. I woke up every weekday morning, tired; irrational dread looming over me. I struggled through the day - this exhausting battle in my mind. When I got home from work around five o'clock, I usually just felt tired and uninspired. No energy for writing. The stories still came sometimes, but I didn't dare sit down and write. I guess I was scared of staring at the blank page and feeling panicky, like ...

Why don't the words come? Why can't I do it anymore?

It's like my dream to write and publish just slowly died during these last couple years. It's been hard, because I do still have this urge to write. To create stories. To share my thoughts with the world.

But I guess I just decided I couldn't do it.

The good  news is, I've been healing in a lot of ways! The dream to publish a book is coming back to life deep in my heart - a little burning ember. I haven't forgotten about Karalee and Wolfe. *smiles* I still think about my first novel, Silver Rose, and I want to keep working on it.

But it might be awhile yet. And that okay. I'm learning that God doesn't see time like we do. I need to rest in His timing ... trust that He's in the details.

I still don't have a laptop. And I still feel a lot of stress and uncertainty about where I am in life right now.

But I think there's a change coming.

This verse has been on my heart for about a year and a half. I feel like it's my verse for this season ... for the coming season.

1 Peter 5:6-11

6 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, 7 casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

8 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. 9 Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. 10 But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. 11 To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

I'm ready to be settled and established. The biggest thing that means to me at this moment is finding relief from the stress, I suppose. (That reminds me of a NF song: My Stress). In order for that to happen, there are some things about my life that I need to change or adjust. I've been praying and seeking the Lord ... waiting for Him to open doors and lead me where He wants me to be!

I think I'm going to have to make some sacrifices and take some leaps of faith. You all can be praying for me!

For now, what it looks like is me stepping back from this blog. Being the personality I am, in the life situation I'm in, I have a hard time balancing things. Not subconsciously worrying about blogging here will hopefully free me up to more fully pursue other things.

Like making friends. Building relationships in real life. Cooking and baking. Working on Silver Rose. Reveling in the little, simple moments.

I'll still be on Lady Grace sometimes. Maybe do a life update over there now and then. Perhaps share recipes. Do a book review or two.

But I'm going to cut back on book reviews, too. I'm going to be very selective about what kind of fiction I read. Why? Well, I just wonder how beneficial it is to read romance all day long. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for romance. Just ask my friend who recently got married ... more than once while we were talking about her and her now-husband, she laughed and said: "Shantelle, you're such a romantic!" And I am. Proudly. *winks* Romance is a glorious design of God's! But I think I'd rather wait to experience my own special, real romance someday than constantly be half-living fictional romances. This doesn't mean I'm no longer going to read Christian romance, probably just a lot less.

I don't think I'll be doing Youtube videos anymore, either. I may end up deleting my channel. But for now it's just there. As much as I love interacting with you all, I just need to be in my real space in the world. As cool as it is to connect with people who are so much like me online, I end up feeling perhaps even more lonely than before because we can't connect face-to-face. And that's important to me because I'm a super relational person. My top love language is probably quality time!

I do still want to stay in touch with you! If you want to, too, please follow me over at Lady Grace. I am hoping to pick up novel writing again sometime ... for God's glory! So excited for the ways He's going to use me in His kingdom work! Perhaps someday I'll be able to tell you all that Silver Rose is ready to be explored. *smiles*

For now, here I am, still trying to figure things out. But more and more, I'm resting in the fact that my Heavenly Father is working it all out for me!

My older brother said to me, about this song, the other day: "This is your song, hey?" I think I agree. *smiles*

NF - Change

Change is sometimes scary. But I think I'm ready now. I'm looking ... searching ... for change.

Dear readers, the very best choices you can make in your life are to pursue intimacy with Jesus Christ and give your life for His kingdom work!

Love you all and wishing you the very best! <3