Why I Stopped Writing (and other small revelations)

So, why did I stop writing?

I've been writing stories since eight-years-old ... been wanting to publish books since I was a little girl. I used to write almost nonstop. I always had an exciting tale in the works.

But as I got older, I think stress, anxiety, and even depression started to creep in and stifle my creative spirit. I overthink things like crazy, and I think I've been going through some kind of early-twenties crisis where I'm just trying to figure out life! And I'm really having a tough time of it!

Recently, when I had a full-time job at a daycare, I felt like I was losing myself. I woke up every weekday morning, tired; irrational dread looming over me. I struggled through the day - this exhausting battle in my mind. When I got home from work around five o'clock, I usually just felt tired and uninspired. No energy for writing. The stories still came sometimes, but I didn't dare sit down and write. I guess I was scared of staring at the blank page and feeling panicky, like ...

Why don't the words come? Why can't I do it anymore?

It's like my dream to write and publish just slowly died during these last couple years. It's been hard, because I do still have this urge to write. To create stories. To share my thoughts with the world.

But I guess I just decided I couldn't do it.

The good  news is, I've been healing in a lot of ways! The dream to publish a book is coming back to life deep in my heart - a little burning ember. I haven't forgotten about Karalee and Wolfe. *smiles* I still think about my first novel, Silver Rose, and I want to keep working on it.

But it might be awhile yet. And that okay. I'm learning that God doesn't see time like we do. I need to rest in His timing ... trust that He's in the details.

I still don't have a laptop. And I still feel a lot of stress and uncertainty about where I am in life right now.

But I think there's a change coming.

This verse has been on my heart for about a year and a half. I feel like it's my verse for this season ... for the coming season.

1 Peter 5:6-11

6 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, 7 casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

8 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. 9 Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. 10 But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. 11 To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

I'm ready to be settled and established. The biggest thing that means to me at this moment is finding relief from the stress, I suppose. (That reminds me of a NF song: My Stress). In order for that to happen, there are some things about my life that I need to change or adjust. I've been praying and seeking the Lord ... waiting for Him to open doors and lead me where He wants me to be!

I think I'm going to have to make some sacrifices and take some leaps of faith. You all can be praying for me!

For now, what it looks like is me stepping back from this blog. Being the personality I am, in the life situation I'm in, I have a hard time balancing things. Not subconsciously worrying about blogging here will hopefully free me up to more fully pursue other things.

Like making friends. Building relationships in real life. Cooking and baking. Working on Silver Rose. Reveling in the little, simple moments.

I'll still be on Lady Grace sometimes. Maybe do a life update over there now and then. Perhaps share recipes. Do a book review or two.

But I'm going to cut back on book reviews, too. I'm going to be very selective about what kind of fiction I read. Why? Well, I just wonder how beneficial it is to read romance all day long. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for romance. Just ask my friend who recently got married ... more than once while we were talking about her and her now-husband, she laughed and said: "Shantelle, you're such a romantic!" And I am. Proudly. *winks* Romance is a glorious design of God's! But I think I'd rather wait to experience my own special, real romance someday than constantly be half-living fictional romances. This doesn't mean I'm no longer going to read Christian romance, probably just a lot less.

I don't think I'll be doing Youtube videos anymore, either. I may end up deleting my channel. But for now it's just there. As much as I love interacting with you all, I just need to be in my real space in the world. As cool as it is to connect with people who are so much like me online, I end up feeling perhaps even more lonely than before because we can't connect face-to-face. And that's important to me because I'm a super relational person. My top love language is probably quality time!

I do still want to stay in touch with you! If you want to, too, please follow me over at Lady Grace. I am hoping to pick up novel writing again sometime ... for God's glory! So excited for the ways He's going to use me in His kingdom work! Perhaps someday I'll be able to tell you all that Silver Rose is ready to be explored. *smiles*

For now, here I am, still trying to figure things out. But more and more, I'm resting in the fact that my Heavenly Father is working it all out for me!

My older brother said to me, about this song, the other day: "This is your song, hey?" I think I agree. *smiles*

NF - Change

Change is sometimes scary. But I think I'm ready now. I'm looking ... searching ... for change.

Dear readers, the very best choices you can make in your life are to pursue intimacy with Jesus Christ and give your life for His kingdom work!

Love you all and wishing you the very best! <3

Booktube Monday: Q&A Video!

Hey, readers! I'm quite excited to be bringing you my Q&A Booktube video today!

I decided to do a Q&A on my Youtube channel in celebration of reaching 100 subscribers! I now have 111 subscribers, and it's pretty fun to see the number growing. *smiles*

So what did you all do over the weekend? I made soap, went disc-golfing with my younger siblings + friends, and I had a cleaning job.

I also finished reading the amazing Love Defined by Kristen Clark & Bethany Baird and wrote up my review. Can't wait to share it with you all on May 1st here on the blog! You don't want to miss this book. Pre-order today! www.girldefined.com/lovedefined

Well, without further ado, here is my Q&A video - divided into two parts. I hope you all enjoy! Let me know what you think. ^_^

My Q&A

Q&A: Part Two

Presenting: The Schedule

Hello, dear readers! As I've been mentioning here and there on my blogs, I have taken on some new projects. So. I decided it's time for me to make myself a schedule. I'm excited, actually. I think this is going to help me out.

Because, let's be honest, I'm a very organized person at heart, and without a schedule, I find myself getting overwhelmed by the simplest of tasks ...

Brain: "It's been two days and you still haven't replied to that comment on your blog. That comment encouraged you tremendously. Why have't you replied yet? It's irresponsible and rude. Seriously, go reply. It's just one comment."

Heart: "What if your friends are hurt by your lack of response? What if they think you're ignoring them? What if you're making them think their comments really don't mean much when they actually do??!!"

Me: *gasps* *sighs* *frets* *feels overwhelmed* *feels burned out on writing* *freaks out* "That's it!" *slams laptop shut* *bolts from the room* "I can't do this! It's too much! It's just ... TOO MUCH!"

*ahem* Yep. That's hardly an exaggeration. I have, like, a million things on my mind all crying for my attention. They all don't need to be done in one day, but I feel I must give them all attention because ... what if I'm unable to tomorrow? So I worry about the millions of things and end up getting like none of them done that day.

Me: *accomplished none of my goals* "I'm just overwhelmed. Totally beat. I need to just breathe. Relax my brain or something. I can't deal with writing right now."

Maybe you're getting the picture? I overthink. I stress easily. I don't do well without order and schedules, apparently.

Thus, the schedule.

Take a look.

The Schedule (for my follower's knowledge):

• Monday: New video on my Youtube/Booktube channel
• Tuesday: New post on Lady Grace
• Thursday: New post on Between the Pages of This Bookish Life
• Saturday: New post on Lady Grace

Shantelle's Writing/Blogging/Youtube Schedule (more in depth):

Monday: Post scheduled video on Youtube + share about it on Between the Pages of This Bookish Life // Write post for Lady Grace

Tuesday: Scheduled post goes live on Lady Grace (reply to comments in the evening)

Wednesday: Write post for Between the Pages of This Bookish Life

Thursday: Scheduled post goes live on Between the Pages of This Bookish Life (reply to comments in the evening) // Write post for Lady Grace

Friday: Film video for Youtube/Booktube

Saturday: Scheduled post goes live on Lady Grace (reply to comments in evening) // Novel writing

Sunday: Novel writing

Now, the novel writing will really just happen when inspiration strikes. But my goal is to write once a week, and I figured quiet Sundays (the weeks where there's no family Bible study) might be the best. The weeks that there is Bible study, I'll perhaps write on Saturday.

Also, filming videos. That'll just happen whenever the house is quiet!! But I'm planning to post every Monday. (P.S. NEW VIDEO TODAY!) I hesitate to schedule much on Friday, because that is when I have young people over for Bible study.

***

Facebook Page: I generally just share my posts on here, and sometimes posts from other bloggers, giveaways, etc. Occasionally I post random little life stuff.

Twitter: I'm not really present on Twitter. Mostly I just quickly tweet the link to my blog posts/Youtube videos.

Goodreads: I adore this place! *all the heart eyes* I usually keep my friends on there up-to-date on what I'm reading and all that.

Pinterest: I go on here occasionally and save a quality-looking Christian movie to my Interested in Watching board, look up a recipe, or add a medieval-esque picture to my storyboards. Or share a link.

I used to go on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook much more often, but I'm doing my best to cut out any and all mindless scrolling on social media (because I'm bored, lonely, or anxious ...). I have better things to do! I believe God is calling me to a life of purpose! *smiles*

***

Anyway, so that's that! Hopefully I can stick to it and it'll work well and relatively stress-free even amid work, Bible studies, Bible study reading & homework throughout the week, book launches, "review books", family/friend time, and reading (of course!).
I'm thinking I need to cut back on the amount of books I agree to read in exchange for a review because I might just not have time/mental energy for that.

Do you all have schedules? Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

(pictures found on pixabay.com)

Spring Cleaning Writer Tag Challenge

Hello, bookish friends! Today I'm coming to you with the Spring Cleaning Writer Tag Challenge! And I'm super excited about it. ^_^ (*whispers*: I've been wanting to give an update on my writing and this made for the perfect chance.)

I was tagged by the lovely Deborah O'Carroll, who is the creator of this tag. (Awesome job, by the way, Deborah!) Thank you, my dear! <3

Alright. Without further ado, let's get onto the tag!

The Rules:

• Link back to the person who tagged you
• Share the picture
• Answer the questions (naturally…) or even pick and choose which ones you answer
• Tag 3 other writers and inform them that you tagged them (via comment/message/email or hey, even carrier-pigeon or smoke signal; I’m not picky)

The Questions:

1. Dust-bunnies and Plot-bunnies: Reorganize Your Writing Goals (Or Make New Ones)

Writing update! Yay! *cheers* *ahem* So ... *cheering fades away* I have not been a good little author. Or even a good little writer. As an "author", I have not used the best marketing tip, which is to publish another book. As a writer, I have not been writing every day. Eek. Not even close. Almost all of last year was just a bad writing year for me.

However, I did make some writing goals this year, at least pertaining to blogging. I'm going to post at least once a week on this blog and every Tuesday and Saturday on Lady Grace. I've been doing well with that.

Not so much with novel-writing. *sad face* But at least I've been writing something. And I'm learning sometimes writers just have to take breaks and put their WIP aside for awhile (maybe even months upon months).

That all being said, I want to rise up to the challenge and make goals pertaining to novel writing, as this tag asks. I've been feeling my storytelling-self awakening at long last, so I want to get back into writing.

The good news, I wrote some on a story last week! *all the happiness* It was a lovely feeling.

The bad news, I've been taking on perhaps a little more than I can handle when it comes to writing/reading/studying/bookish stuff. I'm part of two Bible studies, which I really want to be invested in. I have two blogs to maintain. I have review books and book launches. Booktube. And I don't even know what all else. Just a lot of writing stuff. So ... *feels a tad overwhelmed when thinking of adding writing epic fantasy worlds to the list*

Perhaps I shall write up a schedule. (I think I actually thrive on those, even though I cringe at the thought of them.) Schedule in working on novels! For now I'm going to try to work on my story at least once every week. #newwritinggoal Perhaps the Sundays when I don't have Bible study. Which would be this coming Sunday ... keep me accountable, fellow writers! *winks*

(Okay. I think I over-answered that question. Oops. Onto the next!)

2. Which Stage Are You At? Expound!

a. Remodeling layouts (planning the story)

b. Painting the walls in colorful hues (writing)

c. Polishing the windows and scrubbing the floors and putting flowers in vases (editing)

d. Blueprints (not to the cleaning or remodeling yet … just drawing up plans for the very beginning inklings of a story)

e. Some combination of those things (cleaning out a closet)

Alrighty. I believe I would be somewhere between A. and B. Well, mostly B. – writing! But also a little bit of A.—planning the story—because I don't exactly have everything figured out. I'm currently working on Diamond's Quest, the sequel to Silver Rose. I started writing it a few years ago and got about 50 pages in on Microsoft Word before I realized it just wasn't working. I ended up changing the main character and basically starting all over. Then I tweaked it again. And again. So I think I finally have it to where I can really start writing, but I have notes and scenes all over the place that I need to get into order ...

I'm also a little bit at C.—editing—because Silver Rose is *still* in the editing stage! I'm looking into getting a professional opinion. And I have been reading through it here and there, doing some more of my own editing. I really, really hope that I can start the publishing process this year. Get it published, at last, late this year or next year!

I could also say D. – inklings of a story. For I have been vaguely plotting out and dreaming up scenes from book three in my fantasy series. (Which happens to be about Ivory, for those of you who've read Silver Rose.)

So basically, all of the above? hehe #writerproblems 

3. Treasure From the Back of the Closet (Share one to three snippets you love!)

So the first two snippets are from a random story I started awhile ago. I just unearthed it today and felt a yearning within to continue writing it! (Wait, Shantelle, I thought you were working on your Silver Rose trilogy?? *facepalm*)

The third snippet is from the recent work I've done on Diamond's Quest.

I'm not sure if this is good writing, folks, but it makes me happy. Being with my characters. Feeling their feelings. Going on their adventures. <3

3.5. Bonus: Do Some Actual Spring Cleaning of Your Writer Self! (and share a picture!)

I'm an organized person. I love organizing when I start it. I thrive on organization. *laughs* Plus I dislike having a lot of stuff and/or clutter. So I generally keep my writing space and bookish documents on my laptop pretty neat. Every few months I probably go through stuff and clean and organize and rearrange and get rid of things and all that. *grins*

My writing space ... well ... I don't exactly have one. Sometimes I write at the dining room table, on my laptop. Or a notebook. Most times I'm probably in my bedroom. Here's a picture ...

I Tag:

LaKaysha @ Calico and Lace

Hannah @ My Bookcase and I

Liv @ Liv K. Fisher ~ Living & Breathing Words

***

So there's that! Once again, thank you so much for tagging me, Deborah! It was good to get the push to dust off the novelist deep down inside. ^_^

Comment and let me know what you all think!

Blessings, dear readers!

Some Updates

Hello, dear friends. I know I haven't mentioned Silver Rose in a long while ... and there's a reason for that. Being, I haven't worked on it in a long time. In fact, I don't feel like much of a writer right now, and that's causing me no small amount of anxiety and distress.

My summer was much busier than anticipated, and I had things come up in my life that I wasn't expecting. Thus, I've had neither the emotional or maybe even physical energy to work on editing/reading through Silver Rose. And I don't believe I'll be publishing it this year as planned. *sad face*

I might want to have it go through a professional editor. Or I may just have some more trusted writer/reader friends read it, and then call it good. I don't know. But at this point, it's on hold.

I've been struggling a lot with anxiety. And lots of emotional stuff. I've had to put things aside and really focus on life and family right now. I'm devoting more time to prayer (which helps with my anxiety). I'm helping with homeschooling and housekeeping. I've had doctor appointments and started new diet and exercise plans.

I hope I can start writing a little bit here and there again, but for now Silver Rose, at least, is on hold. I'm sorry to anybody out there who might actually still want to read it.

I'm realizing I need to take time to be still and have quiet and pray and sing and just breathe.

I like to color in adult coloring books. And also listen/sing along to worship and inspirational songs.

Here are some songs that I'm loving:

Holy Spirit cover by Carrollton

Shelter by Carrollton

I Have This Hope by Tenth Avenue North

The Struggle by Tenth Avenue North

Time to Be Well by Jenny Simmons

Be My Healer by Jenny Simmons

Hills and Valleys by Tauren Wells

O'Lord by Lauren Daigle

In Christ Alone cover by Anthem Lights

Good, Good Father cover by Anthem Lights

You're Not Alone by Owl City

I did a quick photo shoot with my sister the other day. Here are just a couple ... my new author pic and some fun/silly ones. *smiles*

I love my babies *laughs*

... And hugging my little sister, whom I love. Okay, I love ALL my siblings - she's just the one who I happen to get pictures with. *grins*

I'm currently reading Many Sparrows by Lori Benton, The Road to Becoming by Jenny Simmons, Descriptions and Prescriptions by Michael R. Emlet, and A Lifelong Love by Gary Thomas.

I've been cooking/baking more, which I enjoy! It gives me a feeling of satisfaction, too. *smiles* Here are a few recipes I've made:

Taco Soup

One Pan Healthy Italian Sausage and Veggies

Asian Quinoa Meatballs

The Best Almond Flour Chocolate Chip Cookies

Creamy Apple Cinnamon Smoothie

Skinny Shake

Two-Ingredient Banana Chocolate Chip Ice Cream Bites

Baking // cooking // doing wash // teach history and spelling lessons // cleaning // snuggles with little bro // work out // reading // Bible studies // hanging out with friends // doctor visits // laughing with siblings // Facebook messages with dear friend // phone calls // shopping with mom // babysitting jobs // random trips to town for Chick-fil-A and book shopping // excitement over uncle getting engaged // talking to a cute little boy at Goodwill // long and peaceful prayer walks // dancing in the rain // breathing in the fall air ...

Life is good - despite the struggles. And God is faithful. When I speak truth over myself and realize I can trust Him, I feel oh so secure and loved.

"Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God!"

1 John 3:1

Alright. That's all for now. How's life, my friends?

Reflecting on the Year Gone By and Looking Ahead

The year 2016 has come. My family didn't do a big party for New Year's Eve, but we did have yummy snacks and root beer floats while chatting, laughing, and looking through old photos (some of ancestors who lived long ago; which is always so intriguing!). It was a very lovely time with my parents and siblings! ^_^

I don't generally do "new year resolutions" or get all excited about a shiny new year! (Maybe I should try harder to ... ) But it is kind of fun to mark books on Goodreads as Books-I've-Read-In-2016 now! *grins* I know I'm strange. You don't have to continue reading my blog, you know. Haha.

When I ponder on it, there is something hopeful about starting a new year. Like some things might be different this year. Exciting happenings may occur. Perhaps this is the year that you'll ...

     And it is helpful to reflect upon the year gone by.

2015 was a fairly eventful year for me! In January, I was in Minnesota (which my family had just moved from a few months earlier) with my older brother, at our cousin's wedding! A fun little trip!

I started baking more, gluten-free and sugar-free ... trying out fun new recipes. I actually found a lot of tasty snacks that I really enjoy! Such as Chocolate Oatmeal and Easy Banana Pancakes! http://shantellemaryh.blogspot.com/p/health-foods.html

In March I went with three of my younger sisters to watch Cinderella {2015} in theaters! Just had to mention that memorable event. *grins and winks* It was lovely sister time! <3

April, I made a Facebook Author Page! That was an exciting day! I also added A Dream Not Imagined to Goodreads, set up a Twitter account, and the like. Getting ready for my publishing journey! Meanwhile, my fourteen-year-old sister was busy drawing the cover for my soon-to-be first published work.

May 28th, I officially published the kindle version of A Dream Not Imagined ... a novella I had actually written and entered into a contest at least a year before. All polished up and sporting a beautiful cover, it was offered to the world! Soon after, in June, I got the paperback version out.

I was hugely supported by family and friends, with encouragement and amazing book reviews flooding in! There was definitely some stress, but ultimately, this was one of the loveliest times of my life!! Thrilling, and beautiful, and quite simply a dream come true. Something I had talked about since I was about ten-years-old had come about ... One of my stories was published! What a feeling to hold my very own book in my hands! I still sometimes pull A Dream Not Imagined off the shelf (mine or the family bookshelf) and this incredible feeling of giddiness and joy fills me - just seeing my words in print. My story in its own cute little book.

During June and July, I very much enjoyed short visits from cousins and friends out of state.

Come August, my older brother and I were headed for Minnesota again. We attended a young people's gathering called Watersmeet, which was a delightful experience! I got to see so many people (relatives and friends) from lots of different states! So enjoyed it. My brother and I proceeded to stay in MN for about the next two months! I got to visit my old library a lot, play Ultimate Frisbee & disc-golf, watch War Room {2015}, go on a beautiful camping trip, and just hang out with really awesome friends. It was simply the best to be part of my old Bible study group once again.

I had a very wonderful time there; but then it just came the time to head home. And I can't deny it, I was missing my family. Just had to give that irresistibly sweet baby brother of mine a big squeeze! <3 <3

During October, I got to be part of a Book Launch Team for the first time! It was such a neat experience! Yay for author Nadine Brandes, her amazing dystopian books (A Time to Die and A Time to Speak), and her willingness to let me be on her team! *smiles*

Also got to be part of one of my favorite authors, Tricia Mingerink's, launch team as well, soon after that.

Some of my favorite people came to visit from my home state, which was sooo lovely!! Now I just want to go visit them for a (long) while.

And December was a sweet and cozy month of Christmas music and family and happy little things. I celebrated my 19th birthday on the seventeenth, with my family and chocolate cake! *smiles*

We made a gingerbread house ... family time! <3

And had a lovely Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with family, and eating yummy food and opening sweet little gifts from each other.

Reading.

I found a lot of fantastic NEW (to me) authors to follow this past year! Gillian Bronte Adams, Nadine Brandes, Angie Brashear, Christine Johnson, Kathrese McKee, Tricia Mingerink, Rachelle Rea, Shonna Slayton, Ashley Townsend, Mary Weber, and Jill Williamson all delighted my reader self in 2015, and I can't wait to pick up more of their books!

And I read more novels from some of my favorite authors such as Lori Benton, Serena Chase, Melanie Dickerson, Jaye L. Knight, Anne Elisabeth Stengl, Sarah Sundin, and Jan Watson. Amazing authors, all! ^_^

Some books I hope to read in 2016 are:

• A Worthy Heart by Susan Anne Mason
• A Flight of Arrows by Lori Benton
• A Time to Rise by Nadine Brandes
• The Sunken Realm by Serena Chase
• A Spy's Devotion by Melanie Dickerson
• The Mistress of Tall Acre by Laura Frantz
• The Painter's Daughter by Julie Klassen
• Samara's Peril by Jaye L. Knight
• Exiles by R.J. Larson
• Cress by Marissa Meyer
• Winter by Marissa Meyer
• Anchor in the Storm by Sarah Sundin
• The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
• Tears of the Sea by MaryLu Tyndall
• Ross Poldark by Graham Winston

Movies.

I was blessed to watch some amazing Christian movies such as War Room {2015} and Beyond the Mask {2015} this past year! I also enjoyed Cinderella {2015}, and tv shows like When Calls the Heart {2014-}, Poldark {2015-}, and Call the Midwife {2012-}.

Some movies I hope to watch in 2016 are:

• God's Not Dead 2 {2016}
• Mercy Street {2016-}
• When Calls the Heart: Season 3
• Mockingjay: Part 2 {2015}
• Princess Cut {2015}
• Old Fashioned {2014}

Writing.

I published a novella. I wrote a little. I rewrote a little. I edited a lot. All in all, I don't feel very accomplished in my writing of 2015. But, I really hope to finish re-writing, and editing, and polishing my fantasy story, Silver Rose, this year of 2016!! Perhaps another book published? *hopeful look*

I also would dearly love to began re-writing an old historical story that I wrote when I was about 12/13. It's about a girl named Ruby Jens, and ... I don't know. I just love it for some reason, and would very much like to rewrite and publish someday! ^_^

**********************

So, we shall see! Most of all, my hope for this year is that I will be brave enough to surrender all to the Lord, and go wherever He guides me! May we all be in the center of His will this year! <3

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen."

Ephesians 3:20-21 NKJV